Three Monkeys Online - the free current affairs & arts magazine

Axel Springer’s Dziennik is in fine fightin’ form to judge by Tuesday’s edition of the paper. They’re not letting those Greens get away with the oil slicks that have been polluting the Wisła (Vistula) lately. An editorial thunders: “Ecologists take their Heads out of the Vistulan Sand.” And it’s all thanks to the brave journalists of Dziennik who started asking Questions. Questions like “where are the ecologists when the Wisła is being polluted with oil?” A very pertinent question too, though perhaps it would be better directed to Przedsiębiorstwo Eksploatacji Rurociągów Naftowych (Oil Pipe Utility Company) – which owns the leaking pipe in question. The implication is that the Greens are happy to intervene in the pleasant environs of Rospuda (which the state wants to destroy with a bypass) but are not willing to get their hands dirty in the oil-slicked river. Can you spot another difference between one case and the other? It’s very subtle and it seems to have eluded the reporters of Dziennik but I can reveal that one is an ecological disaster that has already happened and the other is one that might yet be prevented.

And then there’s the miners. Two articles in the paper have references to Thatcher in their title so you can guess where the sympathies lie. There are some interesting statistics in this story. It has widely been reported that the one-day warning strike for higher pay caused the owners of the coal mines losses of 43 million zloties. 40,000 workers were out. Out with the back of the envelope and it seems that each worker each day earns the mines’ proprietors 1,000 zloties. Not a bad return for a monthly wage of around 4,000. The strikers want a 7% rise this year (14% next year), which would cause untold suffering, bankrupt this, that and the other, is totally unrealistic etc etc etc (article by Maksymilian Klanik, former boss of the mine company). Elsewhere the paper reports that average Polish pay in November 2007 was 12% higher than November 2006. This is commented on by five experts – three bankers and two company owners. No trade unionists were asked their opinion or their members’ opinion, presumably because there is no such thing as a trade union expert on pay. Tony Blair used to go on about “joined-up government.” It would be nice to have joined-up journalism too.

For some light humour it’s always worth turning to the “science” pages: “Małpy i matematyka. Amerykańscy uczeni odkryli, że makaki potrafią dodawać równie dobrze jak ludzie” (Monkeys and Maths. American scholars have discovered that makaki (macaca fascicularis) are as good at addition as people) is the unambiguous trailer on page 21 to an article on page 26 in which we find out that monkeys can indeed add just as well as humans – as long as they’re not required to add up to a number higher than 17. While we’re all laughing, look at the headline on page 6: “PO uspokaja kobiety” (Civic Platform [de govmint] reassure women). A scare story emerged a few days ago that women, because they live longer, would get smaller annual pensions than men. But that’s totally not going to happen because the government, whose minister - another newspaper claimed - had already signed the necessary death warrant totally didn’t sign it because there’s like going to be consultation and all so there’s no need to be alarmed, frightened, afraid, insecure, worried or confused about your welfare-state future in a country being run by private market ideologues oftentimes compared to Margaret Thatcher.

So much for the home front. What about the war of occupation valiantly being fought by Polish soldiers? The editorial on page 4 is headlined with a question, “Czy mamy prawo opuścić Irak?” (Have we the right to leave Iraq?), which is answered in the subhead for people too intelligent to be bothered labouring through the tortured content of the article: “Tak, bo nie mamy żadnych długów, ani wobec Amerykanów, ani wobec Irakijczyków” (Yes, because we owe nothing to either the Americans or the Iraqis). So that’s alright then. As Jimmy Carter said when refusing to pay reparations to Vietnam, “the destruction was mutual.” Here’s a choice quote from the leader article: “Leaving Iraq does not mean fleeing in panic. And it won’t be: we aren’t Spaniards. The most optimistic projection would see us out at the end of the tenth shift, i.e. the middle of next year.” Optimistic, sure, but from whose point of view? Iraq’s? The Polish soldiers’? Dziennik’s Andrzej Talaga’s? The Spaniards get a tongue lashing elsewhere in the paper from one John C. Hulsman (not to be confused with John A or John B – inferior models, long since withdrawn from circulation), co-author of the bumptiously titled Ethical Realism: A Vision for America’s Role in the World: “The Polish government has clearly given to understand that it is withdrawing its army from Iraq. We should now hope that Warsaw will not repeat the mistake of Spain, which bowed to the pressure of public opinion and without consulting America hurriedly withdrew its contingent.” Nothing riles a good American democrat more than governments that do what their electorates tell them to - especially when they don’t check if it’s okay with the yanks. Towards the end of the article he does grudgingly admit that Warsaw can pull out because it was an electoral promise of the winning party (“the United States has accepted…”) but he has more time for the English: “…the government in London did not give in to the pressure of public opinion…” The English pulled out in “style” and many years after the people wanted to.

Roman Bolko, deputy head of BBN (Polish writers – unable to imagine anyone not on the same wavelength as themselves - usually assume you know what such abbreviations stand for and do not trouble themselves to explain. A footnote describes Bolko rather cryptically as deputy head of BBN and former head of GROM. BBN is Biuro Bezpieczeństwa Państwa (State Security Office); GROM is some bunch of Boy’s Own Commandos), is interviewed on page 6 – the paper couldn’t get hold of any rank and file soldiers obviously - and he also mouths off about style: “we have to maintain our style, responsibility and trustworthiness” and later “we must do everything to save face as we come out of this.”

No Iraqis were asked about the differences between Polish, Spanish and English style or the importance of saving face.

Chavez has gone and spoiled it all. He only went and lost the constitutional referendum. Not only that, but he has had the impudence to graciously concede defeat! Dziennik quotes him as saying “We respect the rules of the game. Venezuela is not a dictatorship.” Further, he called on his supporters not to cause disturbances and congratulated his opponents.

However, all is not lost. Dziennik reports that Chavez said “For the time being we have not succeeded.” Sinister, eh? The newspaper calls in some commentators: “According to many observers, he [Chavez] has not given up the fight.” Alas, these many observers remain unnamed. Modesty? Censorship? The newspaper adds that “as of yet” it is not known how Chavez will fight to ensure his socialist revolution does not end with his term of office. It’s all very ominous, isn’t it? Perhaps he will “fight” to keep the revolution alive by eradicating poverty or redistributing wealth. It gets worse (and by “worse” I mean “better”): Chavez has “unambiguously suggested” that life has taught him to forge from failure victory.

Just as it has the framers of the “new” EU constitution.

Dziennik has the decency to twice mention that they mislead the public by reporting Chavez’s victory yesterday. There is no apology, though.

An alternative take on the referendum.

In an interview in this weekend’s Dziennik Noam Chomsky says that Hitler, when he invaded Czechoslovakia, claimed he was doing so to bring peace. The Soviets also claimed to have Poland’s interests at heart in the 1940s. The US claimed to be bringing democracy to Iraq. What is the newspaperman’s response?

Imperialna Ameryka niczym się nie różni od nazistowskich Niemiec czy sowieckiej Rosji - to bardzo atrakcyjna teza.
That imperialist America is in no way different from Nazi Germany and Soviet Russia is a very attractive thesis.

Or, by the same masterful use of logic, I differ in no way from Elton John and Johnny Depp since we all have one thing in common: we wear glasses. Well some of us, sometimes. But – hey - it’s probably close enough for Dziennik. Chomsky does not respond to this clumsy smear by Maciej Nowicki, which makes me wonder…

Not all journos here are finding the legal requirement to pledge that you never informed under communism so irksome as those prima donnas who claim that this is mere humiliation, since in any case the archives are about to be thrown open to journalists (and that, as mentioned before, means nearly everyone — including you, Mr. Marcin Klecel, writer of a letter to today’s Dziennik excoriating those journalists who are calling for a boycott, so get your humble-pencil out and sign your declaration of loyalty before you are forbidden from writing to the papers for ten years for failure to comply).

With Ewa Milewicz (whose opposition credentials are impeccable) taking the lead, a number of prominent journalists are calling for a boycott of the new loyalty law.

The loyal opposition (mainly Fakt, Dziennik and Rzeczpospolita hacks), however, are finding the presidential winds bracing. They have responded with an open letter of support for the poorly framed and spiteful law (why make people sign declarations when in any case the names of informers and suspected informers are soon to be published on the internet by the IPN?) The fearless fourth estate agents write: “It is with surprise that we learn of the announcement of journalists who refuse to submit a lustracja [verification] declaration. Unfortunately, this raises many dramatic questions about their past.” So no sleazy innuendo, professional back-biting or opportunism there, then…

My favourite argument for signing up is that the law is the law. I look forward to outraged condemnations of the Augustow blockade (held in protest against delays in building an — illegal under EU, i.e. Polish, law — ring road throught the Rospuda valley) on the pages of Fakt and Dziennik in the very near future. Fakt called the assorted Greens opposed to the road “terrorists” on their front page a few weeks ago.

“It’s War,” says today’s Dziennik, referring to further political revelations, machinations and deteriorations of relations in parliamentary politics which I won’t go into here. But there is one intriguing item in the article: once, many years ago, Donald Tusk made fun of Jaros?aw Kaczy?ski’s voice. Kaczy?ski repsonded by pulling a (legally held) gun on Tusk! I don’t use exclamation marks lightly and I had to re-read the sentence several times but yes, Kaczy?ski actually aimed a real gun at Tusk! Could I have misunderstood? It seems not: later on the journalist (Piotr Zaremba) speculates if today Kaczy?ski might have pulled the trigger.

W odpowiedzi Kaczy?ski wyci?ga spod marynarki pistolet… i mierzy w Tuska.

In reply, Kaczy?ski took out a gun from under his jacket… and aimed it at Tusk.

At least Kazimiera Szczuka was only censured and her TV network fined for mocking someone’s voice.

If we are to believe today’s super serious and responsible Dziennik the European Union is soon to forbid drinking at night. That’s what the headline on page one says anyway but if you read on it turns out that you will be allowed to drink at night. It’s just they plan to make it harder to buy, advertise and distribute alcohol. That would make for a dull headline, though, so “Unia nie pozwoli pi? noc?” it was. The merriment continues on page 12, with a photograph of some yoof at a rock concert. In the foreground, leaning over a barrier, are six young people holding seven plastic glasses full of beer. From what I remember of open air rock festivals, the chances of all six of your mates having a full glass of beer at the same time are minimal. It’s not like buying a round of drinks in a pub. From what I remember, you understand. The caption underneath the picture boldly draws the obvious conclusion from the alcoholic profusion: “Young people at last year’s rock festival in Jarocin were unable to listen to the music without alcohol.” Quick, quick: someone inform an aural doctor.

If Dziennik wants to be taken seriously as a rival to Gazeta Wyborcza they’ll really have to do something about their self-righteous tabloidian headlines. “Immigrants flood Malta,” says one. The subhead reads “Residents of the Mediterranean Island do not want arrivals from Africa as neighbours and are appealing for help to the EU.” I don’t know how racist Maltans are but there’s a good chance that what many of them object to is not African neighbours per se but huge numbers of immigrants. Scant evidence (the presence of racist graffiti does not prove all Maltans are racists) is presented in the article that this is not the case.

Another scare headline on page 18: “We are Paying for the National Debt.” Well, who else would pay for it? Page 23: “E-book Market Revives.” In fact, this article is about a new product launched by an electronics company. No evidence is presented to show that people are, in fact, reviving their interest in reading print off a small screen for hours at a time. Lastly on page 24, there is an unintentionally (?) ironic headline: “Has Politics Bored Poles?” It is followed by four full pages of politics.

I haven’t seen a copy of the Sunday Times in a pleasantly long time but I presume their coverage of science is as top-notch as ever: gushing articles about the latest and bestest weapons for British soldiers made by British scientists.

I was reminded of this by today’s Dziennik, which has a page given over to science facing a page headed “economics” but really about — well, what is it really about? The main story is “Businessman’s Telephone: mobile phone producers are outdoing each other in phones for workaholics.” There is a picture of a phone that can scan business cards and store them in its memory: so much more convenient than an actual business card, I’m sure you’ll agree. Three other phones are featured in an accompanying graphic. So that no one can accuse Dziennik of lack of balance, each of the phones is produced by a different company. Naturally, if just one company’s products were featured the whole thing would smack of PR: the news article would in fact be no more than a sleazy advertisement and readers would skip it. But since no less than three gigantic multinational corporations are adverfeatured, everything is okay.

A column on the same page is headed “Hi Tech: Gadgets of the Day.” It too is a shop window for various companies with product to sell. At the bottom is an article about a case being taken against Yahoo China for - if the author is to believed (and I have no reason to doubt him/her) - providing information about web sites where you can download files for free.

There is no editorialising but the import of this page is clear: consumption is good, but only if you pay for it.

The next page is headed “Science” and here all frivolous consumer guides to nice things to buy is rejected in favour of a stern devotion to the rigours of the hard sciences. Most of the page is given over to the formula for mixing sand and water in the ideal proportions for making sandcastles. Another article announces that Robin Hood came from Sheffield, not Nottingham (at least we are spared a photofit of his face). The three remaining articles are very short. So that’s science and technology: sandcastles and gizmos.

Okay, it’s the silly season (or “cucumber season” as it is called in Poland) but why should the fact that parliament is not in session mean that readers interested in science be subjected to drivel about sandcastles? Global warming does not go to the seaside for summer: it brings the seaside to you.

April 14th - Gazeta Wyborcza drops its cover price to 1.50.
April 15th - Gazeta Wyborcza publishes an article by Adam Krzemi?ski of Polityka about Das Bild (publisher Axel Springer Verlag) entitled “Tabloid with Blood on its Hands”.
April 18th - A new newspaper, Dziennik, appears in Polish shops. Price: 1.50. Publisher: Axel Springer Verlag.