Three Monkeys Online - the free current affairs & arts magazine

A danger with living abroad too long - and one I have failed to avoid - is to start thinking the second country, in my case Poland, is uniquely rubbish. A return to the mothership reassures you that it’s not just Poland - everything is shit.

I had thought, for example, that Polish advertisers were particularly egregious (”Annual percentage rate 0 - 15%”) but not a bit of it. (I should, in any case, have realised they hadn’t thought up their lies on their own, without guidance from their Western masters.) Take this stunningly generous special offer from an Irish mobile phone company: free calls and texts - for life! Written immediately below the headline offer, and not even hidden in small print, are words to the effect that you have to top up your account by 20 euros a month. On a second glance I noticed that the “free” calls can be made only to other customers of the same company.

As usual, the Simpsons put it more pithily: Homer dons his freshly fabric-softened cap and says “I really can feel three different kinds of freshness.”

The Lisbon Constitution was accepted by Poland’s parliament. This comes under the heading of absurd because of the storm in the teacup that preceded it: I’m hazy on the details but half-former primesident Kaczyński was for it when he was not former and agin it when he was. If you follow. It was good when PiS was in power (a triumph of diplomacy back then) but bad when PO was. (Gazeta Wyborcza (April 2) was rapturous about the Sejm’s acceptance. Ignoring their normally scrupulous separation of news and comment and their icy disdain for taking sides, the lead story began: “The three week conflict over the bill to ratify the Lisbon treaty [sic] ended happily yesterday.” Happily for whom?)

The Catholic University of Lublin of John Paul the Second [sic] is in hot water for handing out doctoral degrees when not entitled to do so. It’s a vexed and complex question of staffing and seniority but it can, fortunately, be summed up in one sentence: the boffins can’t count. The university did not have the required number of suitably qualified staff to award doctoral degrees in pedagogy and economics in the years 2005 – 2007. This could be bad news for deputy Joanna Mucha: she was awarded her PhD in economics in October 2007.

Andrzej Matejuk, the new police chief, announced plans to create a special unit to deal with football hooligans. His predecessor set one up six months ago.

Ad on the side of car the regularly parked blocking the fire access road to my block of flats: “Are you looking for Compensation and Damages? Call ….”

Jacek Kurski.

The television stations that still keep inviting Jacek Kurski on to their shows. Here’s what Kurski had to say for himself in April 4th’s Gazeta Wyborcza:

“I, Jacek Kurski, apologise to Donald Tusk … for making false allegations … that PZU, using taxpayers’ money, financed billboards of Donald Tusk with the caption ‘a man with principles’ …”

Kurski is a liar, in short. Not just in the way all politicians vaguely lie about what they will do if elected but a documented slanderer of a named individual.

Speaking of liars, today’s paper has an ad for a car which is rotten with lies. The ad announces a seven year guarantee. Check the small print and it turns out to be a five year guarantee (only the power transmission is guaranteed for seven years). The advertised price is 23,450 zloties. Again: out with the magnifying glass and you discover that this is only half the price of the car. There’s a financing deal on offer and, as required by law, the real annual percentage rate is dutifully given in the small print: 0% to 11.46%. Some help. Better still, the calculations used in arriving at the figures are based on a car which is not featured in the ad! It’s nearly as bad as the toothpaste that promises “3D” whiteness.

I say: here’s fun! In the Catholic University of Lublin of John Paul the Second on April 9th there’s a trade fair: “targi zakonne.” That’s right: fair’s fair and the trade is holy orders. Among the attractions of the day are a discussion entitled “Holy orders: Avant Garde or Antiquariat.” But it’s not all serious discussions about monks and nuns. Also on the cards is a “Pokaz ‘mody’ zakonnej” (Holy orders ‘fashion’ show).

2007-05-30 Telekomunikacja Polska.
Press release.
Darmowe rozmowy przez całą dobę. (Free conversations all day long.)
That was May. This is December. The company’s subscribers have received a letter from one Jacek Mrozik, Marketing Director. Certain changes have been made in the nomenclature of Telekomunikacja Polska’s rich array of offers. Namely:
“plan tp 60 minutes for free” has been changed to “plan tp 60”
“plan tp 60 weekends for free” has been changed to “plan tp weekends”
“plan tp 60 weekends and evenings for free” has been changed to “plan tp weekends and evenings”
“plan tp conversations for free” has been changed to “plan tp conversations”
And so on…

In a splendid display of marketing prowess, Mrozik was foolish enough to name the law whose passage has forced him to stop pretending his company is giving things away for free. It is the bill “to combat dishonest market practices.”

Some random absurdities, all from just one issue of Gazeta Wyborcza.

The Belarussian KGB has branded the Lukaszenko opposition terrorists. The newspaper is up in arms. Only GW Bush (if you’re not with us you’re against us) is allowed brand the opposition “terrorist”.

Marek Zuber, adviser to Polish Prime Minister Kazimierz Marcinkiewicz, has admitted in the Financial Times that he does not understand what Marcinkiewicz’s party is doing.

In the run-up to a day of anti-war protests, Viceminister for Education Jarosław Zielinski wrote a letter to school superintendants warning them to be on their guard against ecologists and pacifists, who might have a bad influence on school children. Green and anti-war organisations might be being manipulated by sinister forces. What sinsister forces - alas - he cannot say, as it is confidential. “Please treat me and my letter seriously”, he adds pathetically. This interference tactic is well-known in internet circles, where it is widely believed that the helpful anonymous poster who says that certain elements have hi-jacked the forthcoming anti-racism/anti-war/anti-bin tax demonstration is usually a policeman trying to scare off popular support.

Here’s an interesting one: no less than 7 state organs are permitted to tap telephones in Poland. An eighth one is in the pipeline.

Incredibly, a white-collar criminal has been sentenced to fourteen years in jail. Among his victims was a Brazilian footballer called Romario. It is not known if the judge was a soccer fan.

A television station has been fined by the National Commission for Being a Good Little Boy because a guest on a programme imitated the voice of a young woman who broadcasts on a radio station. The young woman, you see, is physically handicapped. Also - and entirely unconnected to the matter - she broadcasts on the ultra-conservative, Catholic and pro-government Radio Maryja.

Moving on, there is a full-page ad (one of many in your eco-friendly GW) for a car. At the top of the page the price is proudly trumpeted: “from 17,345 zloties”. There is an asterix beside the price. Probably the ex-works price, you think, before checking the small print at the bottom of the page to be sure. Alas, no. The small print reads: “the figure given is 50% of the promotional price…” I am not making this up.

On the bottom of page 13 is a short paragraph describing what is claimed to be the largest American air operation since the start of the “armed intervention” (or “invasion”) in Iraq. Lest the prominence given to this event lead you astray let me remind you: Poland is one of the occupying powers in Iraq.

More advertising: a joke that got old fast. An airline is selling flights from Krakow to Oslo for from 145 zloties (one-way, excluding taxes and fees). I went to their website and checked prices. You will have to wait until mid-July before you can avail of the 145 zloty fare and the final price is 185 zloties.