A trend-spotters guide to London

It is hard for a bear to go back to eating blueberries once it has tasted meat. In the same way it is hard to fall in love with any other city once you have experienced London. And no matter what you think, there are ten million people who agree that London is THE place to be – that is if you can afford it. It may be fashionable to wear old curtains or make crockery from newspapers, but don’t be fooled – everything here costs and lots of things cost a lot. London is not very pleasant either. Partly due to the blanket of smog that usually hangs over the city, more so because of incessant rain and fog, and most of all because of the tube at rush hour. You may be able to avoid lung cancer and claustrophobia, but there is no getting away from the hundreds of sweaty strangers as you travel in and out of Soho. Forget about taxis, walking is faster. And despite all of that, this is still a great place to be.

Thanks to Ryanair’s appalling customer service most Europeans now have cheap and easy access to London. If you are a web addict you may even get one of those return trips for 99p. Traveling economy is critical because you will need all your money once you get here. If you go to Stansted, buy tickets for the train onboard, it is cheaper. And if you travel before seven in the morning don’t bother with tickets at all. The conductors on the Standsted express are not early-birds.

Economy accommodation is also preferable but much harder to find. The best option is of course to find some long lost friend or relative to stay with. If you do have pots of money then the place to go is the newly opened The Zetter on Clerkenwell road. This place has its own spring water, taken from a well underneath the hotel. If you have the cash but prefer chocolate, then go to St. Martin’s Lane on the same street, where five pounds will buy you a Snickers from the minibar. If you can afford it, it is definitely worth the money. Not because the Snickers tastes any better than one from Tesco, but because of the kaleidoscope –shaped window on the TV cupboard, which you have to see to believe. If you have less cash or fewer pretentions, then try out the George Hotel in Bloomsbury (£41/night), BaysWater Inn (£37) or super-cheap but acceptable Atlantic Paddington on Queens Road for £13.

Finding work for idle hands is easy here, and soon you will be carrying more shopping bags that you thought possible. However all big cities can seem chaotic at first, so a little planning is advisable. Start by reading a copy of Time Out over a triple latte on the second floor of Borders Bookstore on Oxford street. Here you can browse through books and magazines at your leisure – without actually buying anything. Not a bad way to spend the day if you are that way inclined. Certainly vastly preferable to spending a day on the tube – which may happen if you are not careful. The city says it has an underground systems designed for dummies, but I am not so sure. You can avoid the risk by spending as much time as possible above ground, but make sure you have a good map and plan to stay within one area. Remember that the distances on the tube map are about as reliable as horoscopes, and no matter what colour your visa card is, it pays to do London systematically.

If it is markets, vintage and new designers you are after then start in Portobello. Saturday is market day, but the shops are there all week. If you are a fan of Caribbean food then it may be worth taking a detour to Camden High Street and the Mango Room. They have the best saltfish in the world. Apart from the fish though Camden is boring and sells mostly rubbish, so for more shopping you are after, go straight to Brick Lane, Hoxton Square and Shoreditch near Liverpool Street station. There are enough second hand shops here to satisfy even an octopus, along with numerous small bars with personality and personalities. Sunday morning should be reserved for the Spitalfields market. Head for Bishopsgate and follow the crowds. Remember to bring cash, none of the stalls take credit cards and the queues for the handful of banklink machines in the area are always endless. Spitalsfields may be overcrowded (mind your wallet) but every stand is worth a look. Next year this is what they will wear on the catwalk in your home town. Fashion is only a small part of what is on offer. Incredible sping rolls, stolen bikes, organic chocolate cakes – and all sorts of people from all sorts of places. Getting there early will also have time you for Brick Lane too. Shops like Beyond Retro (110 – 112 Cheshire street, E2) and Absolute Vintage (Hanbury street, E1) are perfect for the almost-poor with a taste for vintage. A good place to take a break is 1001 Nights (Brick Lane) where you can have a cappuccino while lying down. Most people here speak loudly to allow everyone the benefit of their sparkling wit and conversation; all you have to do is sit back and enjoy. Portobello offers more or less the same package although people there are generally a bit more laid-back.

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